


I Hear Voice Crying

by HearTheCrazy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Divergence, Canon-typical Cursing, Chucklevoodoos, Fix-It, Lil Cal - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Eridan - Freeform, Meteorstuck, No Beta, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, because the meowrails shall live, because this is Gamzee, cause this is Karkat, even more cursing, gamzee deserves nice thing, mentions of Equius, mentions of Tavros - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21868108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HearTheCrazy/pseuds/HearTheCrazy
Summary: A short fix it what if:What If Karkat found Gamzee before he found Lil' Cal and went all murdery? What if he saw support instead of being ignored?
Relationships: Gamzee Makara & Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 18
Kudos: 164





	1. They council me

The sound of rapid feet echoed across the empty metal room as he paced, lean frame huddled in on itself, boney fingers tangled up in a mass of unruly wiry hair. His shirt hung off his frame, swamping him in fabric, the neck hole hanging off one shoulder - but it was the only way he had found to get the tee on without it being caught on his tall curved horns. Everything about him said disheveled and distressed except his paint which was flawless as usual.

In as long as he could remember he hadn’t felt this bad before. The shakes were getting worse, what was an occasional shiver was now a near-constant tremor of his hands. He would go from hot to cold in a flash, feeling scoured out, empty. Cool shadows started to speak to him, too indistinct to pay too much mind to at first but growing louder, angrier. It had started during the game, as he explored the miracle of his world. It had been the greatest most bitchtits motherfucking miracle to explore and distracted him from how he had started to run out. Once he noticed he tried to ration his supply not liking the feelings that would bubble up without. But rations only last so long, and now he was out, no more sopor. He had tried to warn them, tell his best friend, but everyone was busy all trying to sort out what to do with their lives now; Karkat being a leader and all was the busiest. Can't blame a motherfucker for that. 

Except that the shadows leaking out of his brain did. Saying if he had time to talk to the stupid motherfucking humans then he had time to listen to his best motherfucker. Had time to listen to his holy higher. Should be making time to appease him before whatever miracle ran through his veins ran through the meteor.

He gnashed his fangs at himself and shook his head. No. He would never hurt Karkat. Would never allow himself to do that.

Shadows swayed at the edge of his vision, cool and crooning seductively. Singing a siren song trying to draw him deeper into the meteor. He paced a couple of steps closer to the door, before yanking himself back facing the transportalizer that would lead back to his friends. He could just go back to them; step on the platform and be zapped away; easy as sopor pie. A small sound of longing slide out of him as he froze looking at the platform. 

Go back to chilling with Tavros and spitting fire. Warm, soft, Tavros with his time and acceptance and miraculously cute little text faces. His Tavrbro, filled with stories and care for all creatures, enjoying all kinds of games. 

Go to Equius, who always had some word of advice for a slow fucker like himself. Going on about shoulds and shouldn’ts, helping understand what others saw and expected out of him. 

Go to Eridan, who would talk to him about the sea and the miracle of the wicked elixir even if they didn’t have anything else in common really. 

Go to Karkat, tough grumpy Karkat. His best friend in the whole motherfucking universe. A shouty little ball of curses and determination. He was almost certain that the short grumpy troll was made from special stardust just for him, to giving him a guiding star to follow while his messiahs lite up the world like twin moons. 

His whole body shudders so hard he nearly lost his footing. The shadows felt almost physical as they settled around him, heavy and burning. All of them were worthless, nothing to him but offering to the messiahs, as he was nothing to them. 

Tavros, short-lived and stupid; why else would he keep chasing the bitch who crippled him, why else would he be unable to see what you so graciously offered with your blatant affection. A filthy mud blood, who if wasn’t too stupid to see the possible gem of a matesprite was right in front of him was too much a coward to simply provide an answer instead of ignoring you.

Equius, with all his rules and meddling. Who dared to try and change you to fit how he believed, make you into someone else to fit his own desires. Who dared to place himself into a station in which you did not place him. Who made demands one breath and simpered the next, lacking in conviction.

Eridan, always karmas bitch. Thinking to understand the meaning of loneliness when he had a guardian and moirail, simply unable to appreciate the miracles in his life, always wanting more in salt blood conceit. Who never listened to anyone else’s words, then whined pathetically when things didn’t work as he wanted. 

Karkat, the runty little upstart. Forcing his way to the center, claiming to be a leader but not letting anyone else in. Who yelled his way into everyone’s problems, without giving any one actual attention. Leaving them alone after making like he would be there as if he would stay, voice never letting you forget he was there. All the fuss and bluster trying to hide how he was just another grub to be offered to the messiahs. 

A growl rattled out of him and he turned away with a stomp. No, going wasn’t an option; after all sopor pie burned like a bitch going down. Uneven claws scraped small lines across his scalp as he dug into his head, trying to dig through his skull and pull the thoughts out. His stomach turned as the voice brought images of bottles filled with thick color. He needed sopor, while it burned his tongue going down, things would go back to being miraculous once it hit his system. He could feel his hands shake where they were on his head and sent a fevered prayer to the merciful messiah for relief from his hellish condition. He’d do anything for them to release him from the growing cycle.

A blip from his smart grub made him stiffen and hiss, catching him off guard after so long of only hearing himself. For a moment he thought his prayers had been answered as he fished it out of his deck, that whoever had messaged him would deliver relief from the messiah; until he saw it was from the red talkative red human. His breathing sped up as he clicked the video, dread filling him but unable to stop. He only half-remembered the content of the video or that he had responded as something inside him broke. The messiah had not answered his prayers, because the messiahs weren’t real; everything he believed, his faith, was false and to be mocked.

Heat and cold swirled within him, freezing his heart, making his head foggier with fever; unaware of himself as he swayed out of the room. He swayed down the halls deeper into the interior of the meteor, in time with a dark song. He moved without knowing where he was going up into vents and back down following the shadows call until he entered a room he’d never seen within the meteor, a worn record playing carnival music that matched the croon of the shadows. He paid little mind record or the player though, only the chest in the room catching his attention through the haze in his mind, slowly tinting red with each step towards it. 

He was there just before it hand reaching out when a voice rang out behind him, softer than he had ever heard it before. “...Gamzee?” It was the hesitance and quiet of it that made him turn and see the figure in the doorway, staring blankly at a short troll with nubby horns and grey sweater, staring at Karkat.


	2. I Feel Tension Rising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Karkat goes to find his clown and nearly shits himself before discovering that he has feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am a little late, but wasn't wrong - the holidays didn't interfere with writing/posting. Writers' block gets all the credit. Sorry for being a week late but thanks for the patience.

Karkat fumed behind his keyboard utterly done with John. Why was he so forever infuriating? Didn't the mush panned big-toothed blueberry understand anything? Was the bullshit wretched bulgefondler really that oblivious? He cracked his fingers ready to unleash his annoyance in as many colorful words as possible when he got a message from Dave. Just what he needed, if it wasn't one human it was another. With a huff, he types out a much shorter reply to John than he planned and checked what Dave was blathering about.

He skimmed the word vomit of red at first, trying to decide if he really wanted to deal with what the other knight had to say before he paused. Dave was rambling about how he had fucked with Gamzee, like the douche that he was, and gotten such a rise about his clown cult that his quirk even changed. You almost would have ignored it, the death clown cult was a joke and made no sense - but Gamzee loved it. And in all the years he had known him, Gamzee had never changed his quirk.

A shudder ran down his spine, some hind pan instinct saying that this wasn't a good thing. He needed to find the clown. Quicky he cast a glance around the room, finding that a couple of their numbers were missing. Doing a quick headcount you started to try to think of what to do. The meteor was large, you couldn't search it all by yourself and you could feel that time was important.

"Eridan, do something useful and help me find Gamzee." the short boy snapped at the sea dweller, dragging his sulky expression away from Feferi and Sollux. 

"Now?” He whined back, pushing up his glasses with a finger, “why should I Kar?" 

"What else better you have to do?" Karkat sassed back, continuing before Eridan had a chance to. "Nothing exactly. Something is off and I trust you can handle an upset murder clown if needed." Eridan flushed slightly with some emotion that he couldn’t name before pasting on a sulky expression. 

"That doesn't mean dead" the shorter troll reminded before turning to the transportalizer and missing the pout that was aimed at his back. The sea dweller still got up and moved to the other transportalizer. 

"Um…" a timid voice rang out from behind him. "Is something wrong with Gamzee?"

The short troll turned with a grimace as time was being wasted."Maybe. I don't fucking know. But I got a bad feeling." Nubby teeth caught his bottom lip and chew on it, filled with a dread that made him burn to move.

"Maybe I can help...?" Tavros offered, shrinking at the expression on their group self-proclaimed leader. 

"Yes, sure whatever. Just quit wasting time." Karkat snapped stepping into the transportalizer without waiting any further, having enough faith in Gamzee’s crush to protect Tavros. He stalked through the metal halls with a feeling of growing unease. How did he not notice that the clown was gone? The clown who never left him alone or was ever really quiet. He should have known. 

With each empty room his mind filled with different images. A sad Gamzee crying somewhere, probably looking pitiful. The only person who even got close to the amount of joy from their planet as Gamzee was Nepeta. He had seen it as some sort of affirmation to his faith. He had laughed so brightly as you tried to guide him on the right path to get shit done, when not helping Kanaya with the frog. The guileless smile as he called you best friend, and then spotted the most obvious observation and called it a miracle. Nearly made you smile back.

A growl worked its way through him as he checked another room, having no idea where he was in the meteor anymore, chills going down his spine. He was going to murder the shitdicking shitbagging jazzfuck Dave if he ever met him. Evisceration is going to seem like kindness when he was done with the human.

His perpetual anger, burning brighter than normal, was nearly quenched completely by a cold wash of fear as he opened the next door. Inside a tall figure loomed unsteadily, all hard angles and long limbs, shambling towards something. Instincts almost had his sickles in his hands, as alarm bells clanged through around in his skull, a primal urge to kill the monster before it noticed him, before it could attack but the horns spiraling up made him pause, a choking fear making his voice softer. "...Gamzee?" He called, almost not wanting to believe that the figure before him that made his body shout danger louder than anything else in his life could be his clown.

Slowly, as if Aradia had slowed the time around him, the figure wheeled around and too large purple eyes fell on him. Where there was normally mirth in those eyes, there was nothing beyond empty recognition. Never had Gamzee looked at him so blankly, even at his most out of it, when Karkat had been sure that the clown’s pan had oozed of his ears never to be seen again, his eye always brightened when he saw his best friend. Something small inside of him broke to see how hollow the troll before him was. Past Karkat was an insane bitchshitting groinfuck for not paying more attention. What was the point of making a plan to save everyone if he let down those who needed him? Such a fucking failure of a leader.

He stared at the taller troll, fear still rolling through him which was stupid since he had confirmed this was Gamzee. Stupid, peaceful, lonely Gamzee. Who ate sopor as often, if not more often, than food meant for actual trolls. Who saw the whole world as miracles and never had a harsh word for anybody. Who had to be reminded to get the fuck off the beach before sunrise instead of waiting for a no show lusus. 

His eyes narrowed as he thought he caught movement just behind Gamzee, some sort of misshapen grasp frond and indistinct shadows, and pure instinct made him keep his focus on Gamzee; not making any sudden move, even as his palms itched for his sickles. His hind pan brought up other thoughts reminding him of danger.

Gamzee was still an incredibly strong high blood, a believer in the fucked up murder cult of Alternia. Whom had landed such a damaging blow, nearly taking out the Black King himself in the game from seemingly nowhere, with no warning. Whom he had always brushed off because he never seemed like a threat, was never the immediate problem.

Slowly he reached for him, a soft shush thrumming in his chest. "Gamzee…" he started before trailing off not sure what to say.

The taller troll slowly tilted his head, watching with that steady emptiness. Past his thin body, Karkat could just make out a chest, the top seeming ajar and something glinting for a moment from inside. A hardball of terror sinking into his stomach, something unknowable in his blood screaming he could not let whatever it had Gamzee. Short legs carried him further into the room, closer to Gamzee, still moving slowly, hand still outstretched. "Come here Gamzee."

The clown swayed towards him for a moment, lifting his foot to take a step before his head lulled the other way, ears twitching as if listening to something Karkat couldn't hear. Karkat felt himself get somehow tenser, something that Gamzee would have called a miracle because he hadn't thought he could get any tenser when he thought he saw the mitted hand flicked behind Gamzee again, seeming to reach for him.

Nope. It was time to get his clown out of there, and far away from whatever vile horrorterror nightmare spawn was in that chest caution be damned. Quickly he grabbed Gamzee's wrist and turned, dragging the other troll out the room, moving too fast for the other to react with more than a pant shittingly terrifying growl. But despite the growl, he still followed and didn't fight, so Karkat was putting as a win in his books. He lead the way blindly through the halls hoping for something to become familiar, letting the goal overtake the fear crawling across his spine. Because like fuck he was gonna let Gamzee scare him, even if he was being eerily fucking silent.

Finally, he turned a corner that felt more familiar and felt a trickle of relief when stepping on a transportalizer put her close to the block he had claimed as his own. He drug the clown into his block and put him on his small pile of pillows, the finest romance movies cinema had to off and novels, looking the troll over again.

Gamzee looked wrecked, paint slightly smeared as if he'd been crying but his eyes were empty. They no longer were tinted orange, but just a placid yellow. His hair was the usual squeaknest, and ignited the instinct to try and take care of it for him. Everything about Gamzee seemed scooped out and defeated, like a balloon blown up by mouth, pathetically scraping across the ground. Karkat drifted forward papping his cheek softly

Wanting to fix him was just being a good leader right? It would be bad for morale to leave him like this. Probably bad for safety too, because violate clown cultist sounded like dead warm bloods. This was just being a good leader, that was, all nothing more…

Ah hell, past Karkat was a doltish horseshit dumbfuck to have missed these pale feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who made it this far, thank you for your time. I'm thinking about plotting this further and continuing because this wasn't where I initially thought this was gonna end, so a bit further of an idea of where to go. I'm not gonna promise anything though.  
> Also in case anyone was wondering the title for the fic and chapters come form 'Voice' by Rev Theory


	3. They Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation is started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I wrote more. This chapter nearly doubles the length of this fic by itself. I admit this is might be really rambly and I struggled so much writing this and trying to find the words I wanted, and not repeat myself too much.
> 
> Also, I want to give a huge shout out to saintjoy for their Karkat Insult generator over at generator land. I should have done so earlier because it has been a large help in finding the creative and interesting curses for him to spout. Great source of inspiration.

He barely felt like himself, a soft sound and warm hand holding him steady and forward even as whispers and shadows tried to pull him back. The heat in the back of his pan slowly seeped away like the tide shuffling off the beach with each footfall; like floodwater sinking out of his think sponge, no longer threatening to drown a motherfucker but still full of dark water that hid danger.

Gamzee felt lost in his own motherfucking think space, trying to keep his head up and move through the dark waters that felt almost solid around him. A soft noise could be heard outside him, something that drew him towards it, something rhythmic and rumbling; drawing the image of a large white body dragging itself across the sand, of being sheltered and safe. 

Slowly, slower than the moons wheeled their way across the Alternian sky he blinked back to himself, taking in his surroundings in pieces. He was shivering and tired and sat on something miraculously soft and cozy. He flexed fingers and toes, feeling his way through his body in tiny shifts, a steady sound drawing his attention.

He watched his best friend pace before him, typing away at his palm husk, a quiet shoosh vibrating in the air from him. The smaller troll turned and froze, falling silent as he noticed his companion was aware. A scared hurt noise slid out of the clown, jolting the other boy out of his frozen moment and back to breathing. Gamzee relaxed back a fraction as the unconscious shoosh started back up. Karkat typed out a quick message without looking and re-captched his palm husk. Karkat's usual frown and grumpy expression seemed just a bit softer around the edges, present but not as deep.

They stared at each other, both waiting for something to happen though neither knew what. The chill around Gamzee grew, making him feel like ice was seeping into his motherfucking bones and trying to take their place. A miracle that, ice and bones and their swapping, straight from the messiahs even if it was unwanted; they knew best right? Except that as the feeling grew, so did Karkat's frown as he watched you. 

"Gamzee?…" Karkat started, raising his hands in front of him in what could have been a placating or defensive manner. His raspy voice was soft, his expression uncertain in a way that hurt to see. Karkat shouldn't be so unsure, that just wasn't like Karkat - even when he was making a mistake or owning up to it there was a conviction to the motherfucker. And here he was ruining it, causing his best friend to be so unsure. Gamzee shrunk down on himself in the pile shivering harder, boney fingers curling into his hair, as the shadows whispered how he'd always ruin things so he may as well make it a mother fucking complete job.

*

Karkat scowled as he watched the clown tense back up, the unsettling feeling around him growing. Creepy hair on end feeling was definitely coming from Gamzee then not whatever shit hive maggots horror was in that room. Probably chucklevoodoos or whatever the purple bloods called their psychic fuckery, which he'd be a lot more afraid of if it didn't seem like it was getting to Gamzee as well. Fuck, being the leading expert in Alternian romance did not actually prepare you for how to make the first move while your pump biscuit was swollen with pity; but he had to do something. Nature school feeds flitter through his mind, something about seeming non-threatening but also not looking like prey - so to get close and cut the jugular on beast bigger than you; the same concept could be applied here just without the killing part, right?

"Back with me chu-" the usually shouty troll stopped himself. Now did not seem the right time for mockery even if it has no malice behind it. "Back with me Gamzee?" He watched, creeping slowly closer, catching a nod that was almost instantly followed by a shake of his head. Cause that cleared anything up, how was he supposed to interrupt that? No, no flipping with all the grace of a blind one legged barkbeast off the handle. It's a response which is more than he'd gotten before, confusing but a response.

He took a deep breath telling himself to relax, there was no smell of blood so everything was internal conflict. And boy howdy did he have experience with internal conflict, with past Karkat being an undulating nookscratcher and the likelihood of future Karkat being an unattractive batshit sorry sack of shit, one could say he has master internal conflict and self-loathing. He could handle this.

'But your internal conflict and self-loathing doesn't leave you a wide-eyed and shivering like the most pitiful being to ever hatch,' some treacherous part of his thinkpan supplied, 'full of sharp teeth and mind fucking abilities.' Despite this part of him that others may have called god damn sense was swept away by the urge to close the gap between you and the sack of bones pretending to be a clown and hold him close to your mutant heat until he stopped shivering. Damn it, his lusus would be ashamed to know how quickly his thoughts turned elicit now that he recognized his feelings; it wasn't even this bad when he first realized how he felt about Terezi. 'Focus, this is about him' he growled at himself, checking in on Gamzee again now that he wasn’t distracted by himself, not seeing any real change.

"Alright Gamzee," Karkat started, regaining the clown's attention which had wandered too it seemed. 'find the start of the problem' he reminded himself. "Did what Dave sent you start this?" There was hesitance before Gamzee nodded, only for when Karkat opened his mouth to follow up for him to shake his head. His familiar scowl deepened as the knee jerk response to demand clarity was tempered by pity. He took a deep breath then sighed it out gustily. "So, Dave was a part of this but not the exact beginning?" Slowly a nod was given, and Gamzee seemed to uncurl a bit. 

Karkat nodded to himself, 'okay so making progress, now just gotta keep it going. The fuck comes next.' "How long ago did this start?" He asked, watching for an answer and seeing the struggle clear across Gamzee's face and held up his hand to stop him as his expression grew more lost, seeming to list slightly towards your hand. "Wait, hold on. Let's try this, just keep nodding or shaking your head, okay?" A quick jerky nod. "Did it start before today?" A nod. "Before the meteor?" A much slower nod, seeming less sure. "Not long before the meteor but after starting the game?" The next nod was surer.

Okay, this was giving him something to work with. Something has been bothering Gamzee for a while and Dave set off the issue like the raging grubfucking horseshit douchefuck he was. Fucking figures, but that meant he missed the issue before that. Like the worst damn leader in the history of leadership. But helping Gamzee now came before his own shit storm of self-loathing. Dave said that he was shitting on Gamzee's psycho cult, so if he was part of the problem then it's related to that?

"You're upset about your... religion?" Karkat started watching him for an answer. Gamzee's face crumpled, mouth opening and closing on tiny gasp but no words came out. Another thing not just a yes or no, something more complex. Pangs of shame and pity went through his pump biscuit, shame in how he'd always dismissed the clown as simple and thoughtless and pity with how he wanted to make the list drowning look on the clown's face disappear. The chill and shadows around Gamzee shifted again, and now Karkat was certain they were linked to his distress.

It wasn't a conscious thought to make contact; warm palm to a cool waxy cheek and they both froze for a moment, before shudders went through both. There was no thought as Karkat did it again, giving Gamzee another soft little pap. Fuck, no romance novel or pile vid ever could relate how whole that made him feel. Could this be serendipity? "Soosh," he murmured, "don't work yourself up. Take your time to figure out your answers. I'm here for you."

"...it's the voices." Gamzee croaked with a shudder. "...they keep whispering louder… whispering the worst motherfucking things best friend. They want -" he cut himself off with a whine that made Karkat's pump biscuit ache.

Gently Karkat gave him another pap, soothing sounds vibrating through his chest. "It's okay, bulge munch, what do they say?" He crooned, realizing his wording only after it left his mouth.

More tension seemed to leave Gamzee hearing him speak rather than just the shooshing. He still hesitated a moment before whispering," they say to hurt you."

Karkat bit the inside of his cheek to keep from flinching. While being completely what he expecting it was still fucking terrifying to hear that someone so high on the spectrum and with weird fear powers. 'But he doesn't want to,' the warm-blooded trolls pan supplied, 'if he did then he wouldn't be so distressed. If he did then you'd be a splatter on the wall.' Subtly he took a deep breath to settle himself and just to confirm, "what do you say about that?"

"Never best friend!" The clown snapped, catching him off guard with the sudden volume. "I'd never hurt any of you motherfuckers! Not ever!" Gamzee practically vibrated with tension, eyes but into Karkat's with violent sincerity.

"Calm down nookmunch." Karkat spouted on instinct, the words coming out before he could filter himself for the situation.' Another great one Kar-' his mental tirade cut off as he saw that his words had worked almost as well as a pap would have. Maybe he didn't have to monitor every word out of his mouth to handle this. "I'm right in front of you, no need to yell… so the voices want you to hurt me? Us? But you don't want to?"

The questioning tone instantly gained quick nodding, nearly catching the smaller troll with one of his unfairly long horns. "So if you know what you want then just ignore them?" The nubby troll suggested only to get a growl.

"Because that isn't working anymore motherfucker." Gamzee hissed between sharp teeth, an intensity to him you'd never have expected from the drug-addicted clown. "It ain't that simple motherfucker. They are per-motherfucking-sistent and more vicious than any sacrilege." Purple flickered in his eyes, and the shadows behind Gamzee seemed to deepen, voice dropping into a whispery growl as he continued. "Call for unruly retribution paid in blood for offense. Tempt towards the most unfunny fucking demand what is due. A vengeful insistence to be heard or face the holy consequences."

Goosebumps returned to Karkat's arms as Gamzee continued, warning sirens of mental fuckery and memories of seeing the aftermath of other clown cultist fulfilling their bloody desires flooded him. But also pity for the train wreck of a troll in front of him, who even while being terrifying was trying to convey something, in the unclearest way possible. The first part of him to think past the fear wanted to call out what sounded like castest bullshit but his thinkpan was trying to make him focus on something else. That there was some key words there in that angry little rant. Retribution, due, ignored…

The last one stung as it raddled inside his thoracic column. When was the last time he actually had a conversation with the clown? When he told him off for the horn pile? Did that one count? And Gamzee has tried to talk to but he'd been busy fucking with the humans and herding the meowbeast they called friends around the meteor. Fuck this was his fault. Because he was a bad friend and leader. Because he was too busy being an ass to take time to actually pay attention.

Gamzee growled lowly, as he waited for a response, head tilted to the side in a way both regal and creepy. "Are you hearing me yet best friend?"

Karkat jumped, pulled from his thoughts to focus back on the clown."Yeah. I'm listening so talk bulgemunch." 

Gamzee watched him for a second, his normally sleepy eyes wide and unblinking as they stated the shorter troll down before his posture loosened slightly. "I'm all shivers and shards best friend. Shadows and rage that haunt me." The words were whispers slowly growing in volume until they were a shout. "I am ruined and unmoored. Am I scaring you motherfucker? I should be, I'm scaring my own motherfucking self! There is nothing there to take away the edges, everything dull and too harsh and so unwell."

Karkat's body reacted before his mind did, his warm palm meeting a greasepaint covered cheek with a solid PAP and a croon of shush. Gamzee shuddered to a stop, eyes blown impossibly wide. "I hear you. I'm sorry for not noticing" His hand moved a fraction away from skin and gave another pap, softer this time, setting up a rhythm as he spoke. "What do you need? What can I do to help?"

"Sopor" Gamzee begged immediately, the words having barely left Karkat's mouth before tumbling out of the clown. The amount of desperation that filled that singular word, made it almost a physical thing in the air.

Karkat shook his head. "No. We don't have enough and who the fuck actually knows how much shameshitting shitfucking damage those pies have done to your body and pan."

Gamzee growled, low and rattling in his chest, "It's a little late to care about that now best friend. With the haze and sick without it, you’re all as good as motherfuckin paint." Spindly fingers found their way into his mess of hair and knotted themselves in as wide desperate eyes grew orange. "Do you enjoy this fucking game? Asking me what I want only to tell me no motherfucker? To act all shades of pale while denying comfort, my main motherfucker?" The clown ground out, his words sounding like how Karkat imagined a broken bone shifting against itself beneath muscle would feel; raw, painful, and digging sharper than you'd ever expected.

“Fuck, that’s not what I’m doing,” Karkat said, carefully reaching out his hands towards Gamzee, “at least not what I’m trying to do. I want to help you, I swear Gamzee. Sopor is just not an option. We just need something other than murder to get you through this.” Carefully, watchful of every twitch from the clown he ran his hands along Gamzee’s arms working them further back until he could untangle them from the wiry curls and hold them between them. Wide eyes gazed deeply into Karkat’s, orange gaze searching and ears twitching to something unheard. The hands in his curled and uncurled, as the chill around the clown swelled with his uncertainty in the other. 

Fuck being shy or any other bullshit, he wasn’t going to let whatever voices in the clown’s head cast doubt on his feelings just because past Karkat was denser than any known element and could never avoid making an ass of himself no matter the situation. “And I’m not playing at anything. I am pale for you, you trainwreck of a troll.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. There is probably going to be at least one more chapter, but i can not swear as to when it will come out.


	4. They Talk To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion where confessions are mutual.

Gamzee’s whole brain stopped at Karkat’s words, the voices and all their cruelties falling hush. He didn’t breathe for the moment, unable to do anything but stare at the smaller troll. “What?”

“I am pale for you,” Karkat repeated, eyes softening some as the spitfire returned Gamzee’s gaze. Tension dripped out of the clown as he continued to watch the other troll, waiting for the motherfucking punchline. Warm hands ghosted across his cheeks and into the tangle of curls as Karkat cupped his skull. “I’m manic, self-centered, and can not help yelling and sticking my nose into each of one you thinkpanless nookbiter’s I call friends business. And past Karkat is for some dunderfucking reason never realized it, but I am pale for you.”

He’s lying. No one cares for you. He’s only saying it to save himself, and then he will leave you. The voices whispered. Everyone tolerates you at best. End them before they hurt you more. Paint the halls with their traitor blood. End them before they betray you. They can't be trusted.

A violent shudder rattled his bones and curled his fingers into claws. He felt the caress of the shadows like puppet strings on his hands as he reached for Karkat. Sweet noisy Karkat, who was professing the soft kind of love - lies to him. Cold fingers reaching out to feel that warm skin, that just subtly exposed throat, to rip into it.

Gamzee threw himself back, curling up like a wriggler to protect himself, to protect Karkat from him. "There is no way, best friend."

"You calling me a liar?" Karkat said with a raised eyebrow, moving back into the clown's space. Warm fingers reaching for where Gamzee had shoved them beneath his knees, pinning the offending digits in the bend to protect them both. "When have I ever lied to you?"

Gamzee tried to think, having trouble keeping focus between the ice of the shadows and the heat the smaller troll was giving off. He kept himself curled tight as memories trickled through his thought sponge. "...Ain't never a motherfucker can think of.." he started unsurely, "but there is a first time for everything motherfucker."

Karkat's warm little hands remained gentle, despite a growl entering his voice, wanting to raise it but holding back. "Except I have a reputation to uphold. I can't keep my title as the greatest expert on Alternian Romance if I made false confessions. That trope is the biggest hoofbeats shit in novels whose authors deserve to be introduced to a culling fork, unless they are doing the whole 'fake confessed on a dare, went on dates only to find they truly did pity or hate the troll - survive the dual that ensues when they are revealed and confesses proper true emotions' which is only slightly less pancracked rancid maggots of a plotline-"Karkat cut himself off as Gamzee relaxed and laughed soft at his rant. Not the creepy horror-tinged one from earlier or that heartbreakingly sad one. But just Gamzee's laugh.

"What's so funny to you chucklefuck? Do you not see the truth of my pale affections with a thematically appropriate rant?" Karkat snapped without any heat to his voice but warmth in his eyes.

"I - maybe motherfucker." Gamzee said the laugh fizzling out but appearing a bit more present. He wasn't shivering as much. "Not even the voices can talk over you when you are ranting...but they will be back bestfriend. And it's hard to not believe them."

"Then I will just yell over them, they can just fuckoff. Because you have people who care for you, I am pale for you for all that you may be a sponge dead shit spewing fuckup, I want you to be my sponge dead shit spewing fuckup." Karkat slowly pulled at the gangly clown out of his huddled curled-up position. "This won't be easy, but when had anything in our lives?"

"But the rages bestfriend? You are so little, and I would break you slowly. I could rip this entire fucking death trap meteor apart and not a motherfucking soul could stop me." Gamzee muttered, shaking his head, but still letting himself be manhandled. "The shadows never stay gone long. The motherfuckers are persistent."

"So we make some changes and a signal for when you are starting to be told to kill us all. That way, I can handle it. We all survived the game, were not a bunch of wrigglers who can’t defend ourselves. I’d find some way to stop you, wouldn’t let you hurt yourself by letting you hurt us." Karkat said with confidence Gamzee had never seen in anyone else but Karkat. Meaning every word coming from his noise flap as he said them. The smaller troll continued to gently tug at him until his posture had straightened some, no longer hunched protectively over himself but closer to his more usual slouch.

"But best friend, what if-" A warm palm covered chill lips, trusting its safety there despite the sharp fangs just beyond. Gamzee’s teeth could slice right through his wrist, spill all that warmth across them both with but pressure and a small shake. But he didn’t want to and Karkat was showing so much trust that he wouldn’t he felt his chest ache.

"There are a million what-ifs, and the universe will probably blow this up in my face because it can, but I promise you as a moirail that I'm going to try. I'm not going to be perfect, and counting on future me to have his shit together is the stupidest thing to ever fucking leave anyone's mouth. But we'll do our best to get through it. You won't have to bottle and shove everything away, and we will deal with the withdraws and the voices." Karkat's eyes were ablaze with determination and soft with pity as they stared into Gamzee's wide eyes. "I promise, and if I fail, let one of your gods or angels or miracles or what the fuck ever strike me."

Gamzee blinked at him for a moment, mind reeling at the enormity of what Karkat had just promised. Even though Karkat wasn’t a believer after all this there was no way that Karkat to make such promises fucking lightly. "That's a big promised best friend...you really fucking mean it? About being a motherfucker’s moirail?"

"Yes, I really mean it. Gonna make cleaning out your ears my first goal since your leaky pan isn't hearing me." Karkat playful snapped, throwing his hands up in mock exasperation, shaking his head to complete the effect. 

Tentatively Gamzee held out two fingers in the shape of a V, hand trembling just slightly. Despite Karkat's repeated reassurances, he wasn't sure this was real. Miracles this good don't happen to him. But Karkat had ranted the voices away, and he was less cold, and his thinkpan felt a little clearer and lighter, no more anger bubbling up like the bubbles of a just cracked bottle of Faygo.

“You know, you still haven’t said it yourself.” Karkat teased as he connected his shorter warm fingers to complete the diamond shape.

Purple rushed to Gamzee’s cheeks and ears, mostly hidden beneath his paint. “Pale as stardust and bleached beach bones best friend,” he started before looking away and continuing softly.”...have been for perigrees.”

“That just proves how far up my own nook I have been to not notice considering you ave all the subtly of those stupid fucking horns you make piles out of.” Karkat grumped, fighting back a blush at the earnest sappiness of the clown’s words.“I am definitely going to have to drop tiers on the romance master ladder for this.” He sighed dramatically. “Since it’s your fault my title is now on the verge of destruction, you have to make up for it.”

Gamzee stared at the other troll for a moment, processing what had just been said. His eyes narrowed in slight suspicion, the voice’s words echoing in his head but not actually returning. “That so?” he tested, watching closely, trying to figure out where Karkat was going with this. “How do you expect me to do that?”

“By letting me prove that I’m truly the best candidate on this rock and letting me take care of you. Your paint is a mess, I’m sure that scurry beast nest you call hair has never seen a brush, and I don’t think I’ve seen you eat since we got on the meteor.” Karkat blushed at his own daring, unable to stop the heat from rising from his chest all the way to the roots of his hair. Pale video stars were less direct than he had been in his come on. 

Gamzee’s blush rivaled Karkat’s, peaking through of the thinner spots of his paint. “I- you-” he floundered trying to figure how to respond. “Motherfuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so much longer than it should have to finish. But I did finish! I hope this is a satisfying enough conclusion for yall. I have struggled with where to end it for like two weeks now. Thank you to everyone who has made it this far and triply to all those patient enough to stick around through this over a year ride.


End file.
